We buried my grandfather last weekend. He and grandma had been happily married for 65 years.
"Generosity" was one of the most used words at the funeral. It wasn't just empty talk; it was descriptive of how they related to each other and to everyone else. Even after grandpa went blind, he'd "look" toward grandma any time she spoke. Even when she struggled to walk, she'd get up to get him a drink if she was thirsty. What this article calls "bids" for affection, they were not only responsive to but proactive about.
And it reflects in the lives and relationships of their 7 children, 27 grandchildren, 29 great-grandchildren (+2 on the way), and 2 great-great-grandchildren. My parents' relationship now looks like what I remember from my grandparents 25 years ago. My relationship with my wife looks a little like my parents' relationship when I was a kid. That's one of the reasons this sort of research is so important -- because the quality of your relationship now can affect relationships for generations to come.
The treasure you have, and that I wish I could have, is that you know what love looks like on a day-to-day level. You have been habituated to it, even. There are many people, I think, who want to achieve what your grandparents did but don't actually know how, not because they don't know that they should be kind and generous, but because they simply don't know what kindness and generosity look like in the mundane details that fill up most of life.
The article included a quote that said that even in bad times, usually one or both partners are trying to do the right thing but failing. You have the blessing of knowing what the right thing looks like. I envy you that experience.
> "You have the blessing of knowing what the right thing looks like. I envy you that experience."
Thank you.
I try to pass it on, just like I was taught. We had a young couple live in our spare room some time ago. Right now we have a divorced mom in one room and teen parents in another. I think one of the most important things I can do for the future is mentor those who either haven't had the experience or have struggled to follow it.
If there's anything I can do to help you figure out the details, e-mail me (it's slightly obfuscated in my profile.)
“To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order; we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”
This is from Confucius. This is so right on so many levels. It all starts at home.
This is truly magnificent. If you haven't already, I would recommend reading the Harvard Grant Study. A longitudinal study of young Harvard grads over the course of several decades. Most of what they said is falls in line what the generational component. Without trying to sound too much like a flower child, it is hard work in the form of a qualitative relationship like your grand parents that makes this world a slightly better place to live in.
"Generosity" was one of the most used words at the funeral. It wasn't just empty talk; it was descriptive of how they related to each other and to everyone else. Even after grandpa went blind, he'd "look" toward grandma any time she spoke. Even when she struggled to walk, she'd get up to get him a drink if she was thirsty. What this article calls "bids" for affection, they were not only responsive to but proactive about.
And it reflects in the lives and relationships of their 7 children, 27 grandchildren, 29 great-grandchildren (+2 on the way), and 2 great-great-grandchildren. My parents' relationship now looks like what I remember from my grandparents 25 years ago. My relationship with my wife looks a little like my parents' relationship when I was a kid. That's one of the reasons this sort of research is so important -- because the quality of your relationship now can affect relationships for generations to come.