Just because something should matter more doesn't mean it does. I agree that vocabulary alone should not matter, but this isn't how the world works. You can't use 'the N word' in public because people don't differentiate your intent from the vocab. Same goes for all terms for all kinds of people.
No matter what anyone calls themselves, it's important you treat all people with respect by default, regardless of how they act towards themselves or others. If your boss calls herself a 'girl', you should still call her a 'woman'.
Sometimes people will unwittingly foster an unwelcoming culture by making jokes about themselves. Sexual harassment is one example. By calling herself a 'girl', and by making derogatory comments about women, this boss could be setting the standard for all women in the office to be treated, which is very unfair. The same thing happens with race, religion, etc.
Just because something should matter more doesn't mean it does. I agree that vocabulary alone should not matter, but this isn't how the world works. You can't use 'the N word' in public because people don't differentiate your intent from the vocab. Same goes for all terms for all kinds of people.
No matter what anyone calls themselves, it's important you treat all people with respect by default, regardless of how they act towards themselves or others. If your boss calls herself a 'girl', you should still call her a 'woman'.
Sometimes people will unwittingly foster an unwelcoming culture by making jokes about themselves. Sexual harassment is one example. By calling herself a 'girl', and by making derogatory comments about women, this boss could be setting the standard for all women in the office to be treated, which is very unfair. The same thing happens with race, religion, etc.